"Through This Life" Goal

Lately I’ve been recalling lots of old memories.

When I was a child, my teenage brother used to tell me that every being must have an “I want to live without ---” goal as they live through their life. He told me he wanted as best as possible to live without regrets.

I told him, with every childish certainty and confidence that there will always be regret, either you will it or not. So I told him that not having regrets will not be my goal but I shall choose my own regret. Since his teenage intelligence insist that every human must have that goal, I declared mine to be to live without debt.

He gave me a wow, and said that’s very practical for a child. I beamed and was proud for the rest of the days. When I went to school and teach this to my friends, it doesn’t matter what their goal is, I’ve had the surety that mine was better.

Oh, I wish someone would tell me at that stage that life is not a competition.

Seems like I do have lot of regrets now. If only I am dumb enough to not see that these regrets were of my choosing. I cannot even grief for them. I choose them and every fiber in my being will not let me go of the knowledge.

Once, I met this sweet girl when I first started my foundation. She was nice and sweet and book smart but yes, even I can tell that she can easily be fooled. And she have a dozen times. I wanted to stop her, to help her but no matter how many times I tried, she would rather believe the people fooling her.

At that time, I was indifferent with Huninis and not yet mad at Uranna. So I told her case to Uranna, hoping for some tips on how to help her. Uranna have been someone I entrust with lots of things, except for Elle, of course. So with his graying hair and serious face, the looks of someone who has been touched by wisdom, he said, “Leave her be. You have tried. She is an adult. She have to face the consequences of her actions. Including who she decides to trust.”

I did exactly that. I brood nothing of the matter to her anymore, and she come to me in distress about the very thing I warned, I just listened and gave no opinion at all. I regret that decision.

She was a good person. She could be fooled by people with intention but when someone is not trying to fool her, she could take the hints. I wasn’t interested in helping her and she knew it. No sooner than a month, we started to drift apart. Most of my friends now consider her as a really good ally and trusted friend. Whenever we met though, it never seems to be uncomfortable. I didn’t hate her, and I know she didn’t hate me. But ‘like’ is off the table.

I guess part of me took the advice because I wanted to think that it was a wise move to leave her be. Maybe she did finally realize her lesson or maybe she didn’t. In any case, it reminded me of how bad of a friend I was. Over the years I realize that friends don’t necessarily want to be helped, they just wanted for someone to listen, even their bad decision. I used to only tell my problems when I wanted help and I didn’t think that emotional distress is cured by just having a listening ear. I wish her happy. Part of me wanted to be able to share it, but a bigger part knew I didn’t earn the right to be.

As for my practical goal, at first it seems to be so well, and then I started having one debt after another. I did however manage to pay them off and then work to earn saving so that I don’t have to live with it again but I guess what you declare is a challenge. And I have managed mine. I will probably have to manage my debts every day of my life to make sure that I’m content. Since I did not challenge  to live a life without regret, I guess  I simply have to live with them and however much I try to change my goal, I don’t think that’s how it works.

Then again, I don’t always have to know how it works.

Somehow, typing that makes this sad note end a little better. I shall live it and be fulfilled.