Credentials

I have dropped out from university twice. Both because I can't seem to go to my final exams.

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Truth or truth

 I used to really like Truth or Dare. I still do, but I realize I'm not one keen for dares. I like truth questions, though. There are a lot of deeply personal things I could ask to friends when I play this. I mean not private sensual things, but deep dark secret that we take turns asking. In that way, we'd get to know each other better and will come closer to each other.

However, I have never been one to disclose my deepest, darkest secret. I found them embarrassing, and also revealing them would make me vulnerable. Still, truth questions were fun because no one knows the right way of asking me to reveal what I prefer not to.

Holding on

 A lot have happened last year, but I can't seem to recall most of them.

Major events would be:

1. I quit school.
2. Lemon visited. Twice
3. Lemon proposed.

All I Have

 Hey again those who still reads,

So it's no secret that I have some kind of mental health disorder. I can't recall if I wrote about it before. I have mentioned Elle a few too many times, so I think you can guess what the diagnosis was.

Anyway, I have been having a blast these past few weeks. I met up with friends, I started taking good care of my skin and hair, and generally having some kind of positivity in life.

I feel very, very blessed to have good people around me. 💗

I wish this post was about the positive energy that I've been feeling.

Leaning Onto You

 This is mainly a reaction post to this piece of music by Young K.

I was taking a break from a long day. I was tired of reading too many class materials and I just wanted to relax. The song provided me just that. Relaxation.

I really did want to lean onto the song, let it take away all my worries and wash away all the hard moments.

At the same time, it reminded me how human I am. I have been smiling, laughing, and generally enjoying my time even though my sister's passing wasn't that long ago.

Night Regrets

 It hasn't been a good year for everyone. COVID-19 made it difficult. The lingering mourning of death takes center stage in this period of times. How sad, how cruel, how heart-wrenching must it be to be in a situation where there's nothing you can do to prevent your loved ones from suffering.

Such are my thoughts - my detached empathy - towards everyone who is suffering.

I never would have thought grief would knock my door too.

At least, it wasn't something I thought would happen so suddenly.

Memories

 I think I need to have a talk with Rafah. It has been bugging me. Almost a year now and I find myself being ok for the most part, Alhamdulillah.

However, during the nights, I find myself in tears, thinking about Elle and my kids. How life would be if I stayed in my dreams.

My reality could merge. There's no reason why I should abandon my reality for a fantasy. I know those two can't mix. Not in my case.

Anticipation and Fear

Hey guys, it's been a (about) a year.

I'm alive. Haven't been feeling much of anything these few month, or better said: year. Probably a lot happened in my life during that time, but none I can really recall now as I don't think I am fond of any of them to keep them in my memories.

I'm writing today with anticipation over my next guest, after Kena and Xoxo's visit. Ah, those were fun. My family seems okay with them coming over too. I am glad Kena and Xoxo came to Malaysia. They were the best thing of last year.

Was There A Cry?

A cry for help. That's what the boy told me when I posted a single "No." on Facebook a couple of years ago.

Back then when he told me that post was a cry for help I didn't entertain it. I saw it merely as an expression. Of saying no to the world but not wanting to divulge what was the no aimed at. I was pretty secretive at the same time as wanting to be expressive.

And he prod no longer.

4 minutes 50 seconds

     A day was all it took to ice-break, and a week was all it took to like a person. Ours were stretch to a month, giggling like middle-schoolers when we were better than that. Or perhaps that was arrogance, and that middle schoolers were better. Better than me, at least.

     I remember the song Perfect Day by supercell, played on repeat when I was in high-school. Those were the days when I fell in love with ryo's composition.

The Image of Hallucination

I think by this time, I have been talking about Elle so much, that it would take an incredibly dense person to not know that I have vivid imagination that crossover to the point of hallucination.

Have you ever been in a state where you are aware that you are hallucinating?

New Day New New and New?

 

So hmmm where did I left you guys off?

Little Sunshine

To be perfectly honest, I'm in the worst slum in my life right now. I've been constantly depressed in the worst way since last two year, but I tried to hold it in, because people say that time will heal thing.

So I hang on to it, hoping that this odd lingering mixture of negativity will leave me in peace one day. Sometimes it does.

photo credits: www.123rf.com

To Bloom in Adversity

“When he asked my grandmother if she would mind being poor, she said she would be happy just to have her daughter and himself: 'If you have love, even plain water is sweet.” —Jung Chang 

I read Wild Swans back in Standard 5. I was 11 years old. I read it discreetly because the book was in the adult collection, meaning it wasn't by recommendation that I found it, nor did anyone expect that I would have been interested in reading it.

I was though.

Nijuu Mensou no Musume (TV 2008) | Opening 【OP】 | 『Kasumi』 by 369 Miroku

'霞' Kasumi | Mist by 369 Miroku ..................................................

---

The part of the song that I really like (basically verses that will not get out of my head):

Detached

Sometimes I feel detached. I have to remind myself that my brother is my brother, my mother is my mother, my sister is my sister and the like.

A dream to End

I’ve been dreaming of death.

I’ve always been dreaming about it actually. I dreamt of my grandparents’ death, which was a nightmare until my late grandfather actually died. When I found out that those nightmares didn’t came true, just that death is inevitable, the dreams became just unpleasant visits. I’ve also been dreaming about the death of my own parents, my siblings, and my friends. These people are those that I do care about, so it’s disturbing to see them die one night, and seeing them alive the next.

The Freezing

I have shut down my own curiosity. I have chewed on it, and gulp it down.

My cousin-in-law came in the darkness of the night. I wasn’t well and didn’t realize she came. I was in my room trying to fight off the hallucination that haunted my sleepless nights. When morning came, I decided I should just fight off the drowsiness and show my disoriented morning face to my so-called family.

What I found staring at me however, was a guest.

"Through This Life" Goal

Lately I’ve been recalling lots of old memories.

When I was a child, my teenage brother used to tell me that every being must have an “I want to live without ---” goal as they live through their life. He told me he wanted as best as possible to live without regrets.

I told him, with every childish certainty and confidence that there will always be regret, either you will it or not. So I told him that not having regrets will not be my goal but I shall choose my own regret. Since his teenage intelligence insist that every human must have that goal, I declared mine to be to live without debt.

The Repercussion of Kind

I wish I have a time machine.

Years ago, it would have been for the past. Now, I want to go to the future.
Living in movies would be nice. I mean, despite all the terrible things that happened, fast forwarding it to 3 months, or 10 years later felt like an easy process.

They didn't warn us that during those years that they skipped, the agony is deep and real. And it's not something you can easily ask for help about.

Most things have a solution is you know the question.