The Image of Hallucination

I think by this time, I have been talking about Elle so much, that it would take an incredibly dense person to not know that I have vivid imagination that crossover to the point of hallucination.

Have you ever been in a state where you are aware that you are hallucinating?

[AnY] How Betrayal Taste

“I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence, and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong.”  

- Lemony Snicket -

First thing first. That quotation have nothing to do with this post. Saw it, liked it, and just had to share it.

          I've been reading historical fictions a lot all these while. I think one of the reason I found it even more interesting is the non-existing concept of 'freedom of speech'. You see, it keeps your mind wander on what is it that characters aren't saying. People can express so many things in nowadays social setting that they not only misuse the concept, they also mistaken their own expression. It's so easy to go public that most people forget that covert is also communication style.

          Currently, I am caught up in the plot of Akatsuki no Yona. Yona and her dragons doesn't really catch my attention despite being what's supposed to be the main story line. It's her earlier setting. Or more accurately, it's Hak and Soo Won that got me hooked.

We Need Real Goodbye

I wish Elle didn't leave.
I'm glad he left.

... that he choose me...

Chade, I know the Fool is strange. But I like it when he comes to talk to me. He speaks in riddles, and he insults me, and makes fun of me, and gives himself leave to tell me things he thinks I should do, like wash my hair, or not wear yellow. But (...) I like him. He mocks me, but from him, it seems a kindness. He makes me feel, well, important. That he could choose me to talk to.

 I can't get this out of my head.

Elle, "L"

Hey~ haven't been active for a while. I mean, I'm always, in out in out lately. Haha, whatever that means.

So well, like always, a lot had happened and as always, I don't know how to phrase it or just too lazy to talk about it.
Somehow, I'm always sad these days. Even when I'm happy, some parts of me still depressed about some things I don't know of. Odd, isn't it? I didn't get it myself. There are days that I just fall into this abyss that I can't seem to get out of. Worse, I don't even know what's causing it. Maybe using 'abyss' is too hardcore, but that's what I usually feel when I'm feeling it. On days like this, I miss Elle.

The Little Meanie Side of A Good Girl Gamer

What's that?

Well, in case you guys haven't know of it, but I'm sure you do. I play games, loads of it. Makes most normal life-living people out there call me a gamer.
Although I'm pretty sure I'm not those hardcore gamer. Since I get bored of games too fast and never seem to finish them.

So, in any case, the thing is, I love playing the good guy in games. I usually don't go to the dark side. I mean, picking up on lower levels player? That's low, man.
You can justify that it's just a game, it's just for fun and etc but what about WHY you even thought of doing it?

So yeah, that's what I'll say before I get too addicted and too bored.
Oh, you need to be addicted first. If you're bored, but not so addicted, you'll just gonna leave the game halfway and find something much more fun.
But if you're addicted, and bored, then you can't leave the game.... but you have to find another way to make it fun. That's when the mean side of you come.

Attachment

You know how I'm too deeply attached to stories I've read or watched? I especially love the kind of stories that resonates deep within. The kind that doesn't need overly handsome characters that would melt my heart to make me like 'em.

Most of the stories(novels) I've read have these sort of feeling. As for movies, nah, usually, the impression didn't last for even a day.
          I guess that's coz I choose my novel quite well^^, excuse me if I voluntarily praise myself. *laugh* . As for movies, the factors as to why I don't enjoy them much could be because:

1. I don't watch movies that much.
2. I usually don't care what movie was played.
3. Normally, I just watched what others wanted to watch.
4. They're just something for me to see, and forget the next day.
5. I'm just curious why everyone seem to like them.
6. The advertisement is a whole lot better than the real show.

So yeah, that concludes why movies doesn't leave a deep long lasting memory to me. Not all though. I still love all 3 of The Lord of The Rings movies.

          But anime and manga differs to me. I read/watched a variety of them ranging from different genres. Most anime I choose to watch were interesting and something I would say "great" after it ends. Funnily however, the ones I choose rarely leave me attached to it for months or years. The kind of anime that made a deep long lasting I-don't-know-how-to-explain feeling in me are usually the one recommended. By the most annoying, irritating and meddlesome of a sister. She's not really the first person to introduce the world of manga/anime to me but she's the one who made me realize the joy of watching 'em. Blergh, that sounds annoying.

          The recent anime that I watched that still lingers would be Seirei no Moribito (Guardian of the Sacred Spirit) and Kemono no Souja, Erin (Beastinarian Erin). Those were recommended by that certain annoying sister. The one from long ago would be Sailormoon(manga), though no one really recommend it to me, but it's thanks to Hime that I was able to read that. And there's Code Geass, recommended by Hime. Still love it so much that I rewatched it many many times . Not just love, it's that swirling feeling that always made me think. Or daydream. Haha. And there's a few more but I don't really want to mention all, right? It would take hours and hours or maybe days and weeks to list all of 'em down.

          So basically, why did I start talking about this? That would be due to Saiunkoku Monogatari. I first watched the anime when Animax was still a new channel on Astro. I think that was 6 years ago. At first, it was just a normal like. But then I found out it have a second season, and so I continued till the second season. I only remember bits of it at that time. But maybe 4 or 3 years ago, I rewatched it. DANG, my views completely changed! When I watched it as a kid, I probably don't understand it that much. Since then, I've been rewatching it every year. And since I borrowed the series from my aunt last year, I've been rewatching it every month!

           Siena said she lost interest in it because almost all the guys in the series fell for Shuurei. And I don't remember what else. Actually, I thought so at first too. But then, the first time I rewatched it was because I got that fan-girl disease for Seiran. Haha. The next time I watched it, I kinda' understood Ryuuki's point of view and since I changed my target to General Ran. But the next time I watched it, I kinda' empathize with more characters and find the series even more interesting, not to mention the pain Ryuuki felt seemed more and more real. That's why I couldn't stop. I've been rewatching the series countless of times and I still feel hopelessly dense about the characters. As for Ryuuki, the more I understand his character, the painful it gets. I wanted to sympathize with him but if I do so, won't it be an insult to his effort? This might sound crazy since it's just anime but I sincerely feel like that.

          Sometimes I wonder if I treat reality the way I treat those novels and anime. When I see people in pain, I would pray hard for them or support them from the background. It just didn't feel like me to meddle in their business. The worst is, if they are trying hard, I refuse to sympathize because I feel that it's an insult to their hard work. I wonder if my way of thinking is severely wrong. And if they're not, even when they've been given a push or more, then I wouldn't even care. In this life, you determine how you want to walk your path, right? So if these people are given encouragement, are helped in various ways and still doesn't change, or try their best to change, what other treatment should they receive?

          In the past, due to stupidity and such narrow views, I would sympathize with myself. But you know, sympathizing with yourself is the same as blaming others for your fate. Or blaming fate itself. However, in doing so, you're just being pathetic. I forgot from which anime I heard this, 

"If you hate your fate, change it!" 

Allah gave us trials so we could overcome them, right? I'm not going to say that I've overcome my hurdle in life. Heck, there's plenty I haven't. I don't even have the confidence to say that I won't give up. I might will.

          However, as long as I live, I want to fall back to my own effort, my own hard work. If I fail, that's because I didn't give much effort in it. If I succeed, then maybe my way of doing things was right all along. If the going gets tough, and I feel like giving up, I would remember Kyoko and want to try my best to simply knock down the wall obstucting my path instead of looking for another way out.

          I'm not sure if you understand me but I am thankful to Allah because my experience have made me someone who could empathize well. I have no room for sympathy and I might and have been told I'm cold and harsh for that. Sometimes those words are true, I won't deny it. I'm not such a soft, kind girl in the first place. The least I have is the pride that if I ever did or will help someone, it's not due to sympathy. They just deserve the help, that's all there is to it.

Ehehe, so that all for now. Thanks for reading.

p/s : I actually just wanted to talk

about Ryuuki but I wonder

how it got dragged on.

 Hehe.

Halo Patissier-kun^^

I have a dream....

          The faces are all very vague though... well, it's pretty embarrassing~ hehe.. I kinda have a "dreamy hallucination" of my future self..

          I don't know why, but in my dream,.. I'm married to a patissier. Well, I did tell my friends some time ago that I wish my husband would be a cook who own his own restaurant, if possible. But those are just hopes and rambles... Partly, it's because I don't fancy cooking so much... but I DO KNOW HOW TO COOK!!! and I'm pretty good at it. I don't mean to brag though~ *//*

          Well anyway, it seems like I was quite happy in that dream *//*... And I actually took part in house chores too... without anyone forcing me to clean up~
Well there's a lot more in that dream but it's too embarrassing to tell. heh.heh...

But still, I never thought I would hallucinate marrying a patissier~ coz well,... I'm not sooooo into pastries except cookies, you see? I don't even like sweet stuff that much..
          But it was a happy dream anyway... so I don't hate it^^

Well, I hope it WAS a dream. If it's a dream (one where I'm sleeping in reality), then it might be - at least I could believe it to be - a vision of the future or at least hope that it'll come true~ That kind of happy family....

But it wasn't a dream.. It's just me.. hallucinating too much since I had such a high fever on that day... I couldn't sleep but I had to lie in bed the whole day so I started to hallucinate..... I guess desire is a scary thing..

But I wonder if any patissier out there wouldn't mind liking a girl who doesn't like to eat so much of sweet stuff.. I really prefer bitter things..
     Or maybe, in the future, I might change?? Heh. heh. I'm getting all embarrassed just typing this *//*

House of Many Ways by Diana Wynne Jones

Summary

Charmain Baker has led a respectable, sheltered life. She has spent her days with her nose in a book, never learning how to do even the smallest household chores. When she suddenly ends up looking after the tiny cottage of her ill Great Uncle William she seems happy for the adventure, but the easy task of house-sitting is complicated by the fact that Great-Uncle William is also the Royal Wizard Norland and his magical house bends space and time.

Though she is supposed to clean up the mess Great-Uncle William has left the house in, Charmain knows next to nothing about magic, and yet she seems to work it in the most unexpected way. The house's single door can lead to almost any place - from other rooms like the kitchen, to faraway places, and even other time periods. In her first days in the magical house, she ends up looking after a magical stray dog named Waif, had an encounter with a horrible lubbock, a confused young apprentice wizard named Peter shows up, a box of the King's most treasured documents, and a clan of small blue creatures called Kobolds.

When Charmain is caught up in an intense royal search to remedy the kingdom's troubles, she encounters Sophie Pendragon, her son Morgan, a beautiful child named Twinkle (who is really Howlin disguise), and their fire demon Calcifer.

She is soon involved in curing the kingdom of its ills and restoring the long-lost Elfgift.

My Review:

          I was interested with the book beacause of Wizard Howl, predictably. When I first found out that the main character is another girl, I was disappointed. That shows just how silly I am.

In the midst of my head-aching studying, I thought I needed some light reading, so I choosed this book. I didn't thought it would be great!

          Charmain remind me of myself, well, just the lazy portion, a bit, and the fact that we both turn to books when anything happens. I wasn't 'respectable' enough to not know how to clean, wash and cook though.

Charmain character is well potrayed, in my opinion.

     I wanted to praise her more, but my mind is on Howl so let's just skip to that and you could go and read the story yourself to know more about this Charmain dear humorous and adventurous tale.

          I love how Howl disguise as Twinkle. It's just so funny^^. And Calcifer is such a dear. I wish I could say more about Sophie but I didn't read the first book. And it seems that the anime by Ghibli Studio is quite different from the novel. Whatever the case, I love the book-version of Sophie. She's fierce and sweet.

Oh, and I love this part:

"...And Wizard Howl at last handed Waif back to Charmain. He did it with such a dazzlingly apologetic smile that Charmain felt quite flustered.

             I like him better as a grown-up man, she thought. No wonder Sophie was so annoyed with Twinkle!..."

I wish Charmain know how my heart goes pitter patter all over Howl. Hoho. But either way, all of us Howl-fangirls lost to Sophie anyway... T^T so better go back to studying chemistry....

Ja!

A Slight Bliss

I wasn't feeling well yesterday.

          No, I was feeling my worst. The headache had gotten so super bad I felt like it's better if I wasn't born with a head. Literally! My solution : Sleep and forget all the pain.

However, that Huninis didn't want anyone to go and ask her why did I not go to school. Heck, she was all, "I had nothing to do with your head." and "Quit pretending!!"

     Hence, even though my whole body felt uncoordinated and deserves to be in the grave for once [though logically,  once it's in, it won't be back - unless i'm a zombie; if that exist], I still went.

But things just can't be if your eyes aren't functioning and you hands can't even hold your pen properly. And whatever teacher teach are like hissing to the ear. Yeah, in short, my senses were impaired for the day. Predicted.

           So, I just last for 30 minutes in History class in which I just found out today that we were actually learning about World War 2. After that 30 mins, I was sent to the sick-room. Normally school have this so called nurse room or something right? Well, my small school doesn't - and anyway, we call it the sick-room. For those who cannot attend to class, and are supposed to be pick up by their guardian to go back home. In my case, I went 'cause I can't attend class,even if I did, I'd just be some pitiful pathetic kid who's stupid enough to come to school KNOWING that I'm terribly unhealthy.

     And to the teacher, I'm a bother to the class if I'm sick. [which until now my father can't seem to believe me - always saying that teachers are concerned]

          So that super early in the morning, I was sent to the sick room. Not that I have any objection anyway. My brain is about to explode and I wouldn't want to look pathetic trying to withstand the pain in front of my classmates. So, I choose a corner where I can crouch a bit and sit there [ on the kind of chair grannies love to sit on ] with my hand on the ever-striking-stabbing-exploding-painful head. I really really very very much not want to go to school on that day but well, as long as she's my legal guardian, I can't say anything about it, right?

But this post is not typed to express how hateful and spiteful my feelings on that day or how many sins have I accumulated by cursing a certain someone thousand of times.

     No, this is posted because I was being treated unexpectedly kindly by someone I never thought would ever do.

Well, about the first hour in the sick-room, the counsellor came in and saw me and immediately recognise me. Not to brag, but I was one of the "expected to get straight A's" student, so yeah, of course she knows me. I hope that she would keep quiet because it's frustrating to force myself to listen when my senses aren't even working well. 

          And bla-bla-bla, usual stuff, get better, aim A, and bla-bla again, it made me sick. I felt worse actually. Annoying, but she's the counsellor. Her work is to talk. Maybe. Haixx~

But soon, the-newly-appointed Principal who was the ex-head teacher showed up. Suddenly too. And I thought, what a bAAaaD timing! And much to my plan of sitting in the corner and be unnoticed, she noticed me in an instance. Huuuh~

          But that's when my senses seems to be working a bit. Umm, cause I can see her face clearly. ANd though my head still stab-pierce-sting-strike-explode, I could actually hear a bit of their conversation. "that girl.... ah,... five... so early..??" well, that's all I heard. But I conclude it to be "What is that girl doing here? Ah, she's the 5 SC 1 student that Zamzam* mentioned... She's sick? So early??"

Well, then I don't know what they were talking about cause' I feel like fainting already.

          By the time I realize it, the counsellor was out of sight. However, the principal was standing there beside me. I was shocked, but I still had my pride. My current face must be a nightmare to look upon, so I hid it with my hand. Part-part. Part of the hand function was to help me withstand the pain, part of it is to hide my face. The principal said nothing to this. Now that I think of it, maybe that was kinda' rude. Refusing to look at the person who's OBVIOUSLY looking at you.

Anyway, she suddenly spoke.

          "Do you want to go home?"

Duh, I was practically kicked out, not really but near to that~ haah.. So I said, "no, I'll go back to class later".

     Of course she's not a fool to believe that. Anyone care enough to look would realize that the pain would not go away in just a few hours. Well, at least that's what the doctor said on the last visit. She said it would at least take a whole day to ease the pain, that is, if I have enough rest.

      And anyway, the principal just stare. It was like that for a few minutes. Very awkward, super awkward. That's the principal! Why can't she leave me alone, I thought.

But then, again, she broke the silence.

          "I had migraine actually. And mine was terrible too. Once it attack, it would last for the whole week. Usually, for 4 days. If I'm lucky enough, 1 day. That's rare too."

And I thought, really?? So? Where is this conversation leading us to?

   I did not, predictably, voice it out.

She continued, "But you see, your teachers want you to go to school, your parents want you to go to school, you want to go to school, am I not right?"

Truth is, my teachers don't care - I think so strongly so - as long as I would get A on their papers and not to ever fail. My parents, which one? Mom just didn't want to be blame for all the illness, and this was told from her mouth, "I don't want to answer to your father each time he ask why you're not going to school". Gah, to her, I'm probably a living burden. About myself,... yeah I kinda' do want to go... maybe..

          Even so, when the principal said this, unlike many other teacher who obviously ask just for the sake of filling in the attendance, she said it with concern. At least, if my head wasn't playing a trick on me, I detect the concern in her voice. For once, maybe there exist teachers who cares, I thought.

And then she went on about how she's coping with it, gave me a few suggestion, and then told me to get a lot of rest. Don't overwork and etc. And she said, if I could pull it out, then it will be possible for me to achieve what I want. 

          She have not once, not once mention the As, the exams and all the things she constantly remind all her students for the whole 5 years I know her. Even if it's just my ears and head playing a trick on me, even if I'm just dreaming or fantasizing, those words at that moment truly lifted all the pain. And it made me slightly happy. And I'm grateful for that slight happiness^^.

It's fine if I was wrong, is that's a dream, if that's a lie, I was just happy.

But for the rest of the day, the pain return and I felt like the world turn upside down again.

Even so, I still feel unrest

*Zamzam - a teachers name

One Piece Ramble

just trying out the new font I downloaded ^^ heh. heh.

ONe PIeCE

ADEFUWA KUROLI 
& 
PORTgAS D. ACE 

WILL GET MARRIED ON THOUSAND SUNNY 

IN THE MIDDLE OF GRAND LINE.. 

AND LIVE 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.. huhu~ 
bwahaahahahaha

Talking Again ^^

          Guess what? Elle started to talk again ^^. He's still unpleasant as ever like normal, thank God. For now I don't think I wanted to ask him what happened to his this past few weeks. Let him be natural with me again for as long as he wants. And when he's ready to talk, then I'll listen. However, when I think back at it, I think it was really my fault that made him gone quiet. It must be the remark I made.
 
          I had a feeling that whenever I tried to be serious, I mean over serious or the exact opposite, he'll be disagreeing with everything. Then, since he doesn't argue with me, he chooses to play silent. If my theory is true, then it worked. I hate Elle for always getting things right. He started talking when I was feeling like throwing all the school work away. He told me to think straight and he called me stupid. That's first. We'll it's not like I actually listen to him. I ignored him and tried, TRIED to take a nap. But suddenly he came to me and stared. Then he sigh, looking at my papers and told me that he'll help me with it. Even right now, though he doesn't agree with me using the com. while doing homework, he's still waiting until I finish typing and get back to my work.

Thanks Elle. It'll be a long night since I got a lot of those papers but if you really want to accompany me until I finish all of it then I'm really happy and have nothing else to say but thanks ^^

Adefuwa Kuroli ; The First Phase : Chapter 4

UPDATES!!!!!!!!!! I've just finished the script for school so I continued the story~ ah,,.. now there's still more to be done so chou~ adiue~

Another composition

 I wrote a short story of a modernize Alice. It was somewhat weird, Sasha told me. My Elle/Eli friend told me that it was a good, twisted and interesting version. I was planning on putting them on the school magazine and they told me that I should.

          But somehow, I fell that I shouldn't. The look they gave me were like : It's interesting, but we're not sure if it's appropriate for the magazine, Not sure if the school would understand such different views, and etc.

          I was really looking forward to it, you know? But I'm not too sure now. However, there's a thing called trying, right? Once I asked Elle about it, but it seems that these days he's been giving me silent treatment. He look at me as if saying, "If you think you want to do it, then do it. If not, then don't". Sure, that helps. Thanks a lot Elle. I wanted to ask Fritz but I'm too embarrassed to even let him read it. Well, to sum it all, only 4 human beings have read my story, not including Elle but my other unmentioned classmate and Ien.

         I also tried to write a Haiku. But until now, I haven't get the comment from 'the expert' which is Sasha's dad. I wonder if it's too boring or bad that Sasha didn't want to tell me of it. Maybe she said she forgot to ask because it was sooo bad and she didn't want to break my heart for telling me so. Oh my fragile, fragile heart, if it was brittle, I'll be gone long long ago. Sasha should have just told me the truth, I would be sad for a while. But it'll only take a while anyway,... as if I'll let it drag on to me forever. She should know that much by now. But I don't blame her. Elle and Fritz told me that I've been keeping a lot of secrets and never tell anyone the whole truth. No lies, but not the truth either.

          School had kept me busy these few weeks. I'm going to try out for Badminton, since I've missed softball. Of course, I would prefer essay competition or chess but I'm not sure if there's any competition for that this year. The government had reduced the amount of money to be supplied for education so since last year, no competition was held. It saddens me but there's nothing much I can do since letters and complaint aren't being heard. I'm still hoping for chess competition though. I want to play Elle/Eli girl ever since I heard she was good in it last month. But we never had the chance. I want to see who's better. It's personal really. I'm not in the chess club so off the record, I'm the best in the school right now ^^~. That's not really bragging, I'm only telling. Grr, I wish LaRich and Dev could stop chuckling right now. Fritz is giving me this big smile as if I'm lying. Ah, and yet again, Elle is keeping quiet. What's bothering him, I wonder.

          I guess I should try and find out someday of Elle's unusual behaviour. It's really too odd but I can't really ask anyone since Fritz hates Elle and wouldn't care while LaRich and Dev would never dare to tell. The human beings wouldn't be able to know, of course since they don't even know that he existed. Thus, the only way is to confront him myself.

Once I'm free from the loads of work.
I even have to study for exam next week. Elle, faster come to your senses! WHo would help me study if you keep on doing this?

Alice in WonderLand

Don't know whether this is truth or made up:
watch a movie which says that there's this syndrome called the Alice Syndrome.
It's where one tends to mix reality with fables.
If it exists, then I'm pretty much sure for about 99% (need the other 1% from doctor) that I have this syndrome.
I think my life is pretty much a fable. No, truth is that I know it's not. But I keep getting this image~ It's as if I don't live in reality although I know I live in one. How do you describe it. It's like everyday, I wake up to go to school, I was awaken by my alarm clock. I know I set it. But every morning, when i open my eyes, there's a butler greets me "good morning, young miss" and he'll ask what i want to eat~
Though I make my own breakfast, when I ate them, I could here maids whispering, observing my expression to know whether the food is good or bad. Then when I went out on my bicycle, I know I saw my tutor riding a horse right next to me, telling me to handle my horse properly. That I must take care of the horse, don't be too harsh on it. And careful not to fall from it. And all the sudden I am riding a horse in this vast green land. While I'm doing homework, my eyes would see pile and piles of document to sign, to read, to comment on... The literature art of papers, i could see them all in my maths book. Although I'm listening to rock music,.. i could hear faint sound of ballad and jazz.
Sometimes the 3 pot flowers at my house appears like a garden of daisies, roses, and well a garden. A proper super big garden that you can only attend if you have enough gardeners. And yes, I don't have a gardener. Yet I could hear few gardeners greets me when i water the plants. They'll be saying things like "Taking a walk, young miss?", "The flowers are blooming well...." or "You look great, young miss".

There's more to it. Even as I'm typing this, I'm at a home office working on a new project for business. And when I look up to take a breath, my office is at the shore where I can smell the scent of waves, see the seagulls flying low towards the sea.

So what is this? Hallucination? Maybe I need a doctor. Maybe not. After all, it affects my life only like this. But what if there's more to it?

I'm at lost.