Sanctuary from the Wretched

Have you ever loath a place, only to find out how much you miss it? I don't mean a change of heart, or a realization.
I mean how something can be both loathsome and comfortable.

Maybe I'm mad. Maybe I'm sick at heart.

But there's a place that I long to go, but I will never be able to return to.
There's also a place that I hate to return to. I hate it to the point that it gave me migraine just by the thought of it but it's also the one place I will return to or think about when all other bad things happen.

           I guess one would guess by now, the place I long to return to. It's of course, everyone's favourite place, provided that they had good memories of it. I certainly do.
A place I called hometown. I lived there for 3 years only but those 3 years provided me with the most warmth, regardless of how others think I felt.

          I miss Simunjan. Dearly. Very much. So much that I slept at night dreaming of a fantasy return there. So much that my throat dried up while I held onto the tears, curling in my bed, trying to distract myself with something else but still unable to let go of the thought.

What a shame.

          What I miss is not the place. It's the home in the place. It's no longer there. That's why it's a nightmare to think of it. Imagine if reality gave me such "fortune" and allow me to return. No, it wouldn't be a return. It's just going to be some trip, back to the ruins of the past. I can no longer return there just like how no one can ever reverse time and travel back to the past. My home was there. But home is not a place. Home is the comfort of returning to the people who'll welcome you with wide, warm, open arms. Those people aren't there anymore. They've either moved on and regard me as one of their distant past or simply moved away from that place. I went there again once, and everything have changed. Not just the people, even the place, placing, streets, houses... basically, the scenery from my childhood have disappeared. What can I say about it? What right do I have? Things don't go backward. Everything moves forward. I'm not foolish to wish it otherwise. Evolution, revolution and all good things comes because of change, development, a wish for a better future.

But I don't look forward to it. The world can change for the better anytime it wishes for it. Or for the worse. It's something people look forward everyday. It's not as easy for me though.

           I long to go back. I wished for it so much. So much it hurts because my brain wouldn't allow me such thoughts. Heart is a foolish little thing. It doesn't control all the activities of our body but it is what supports the well-being of it. No matter how hard my mind forced myself to accept what it is in front of me, and tell me to move on, my heart feels heavily burden by such thoughts. It's worse when there is no choice; my home doesn't exist there anymore. I can only move forward but this heart aches. What should I do?

             Some days it's bearable, but most of the time, it's so hard to continue. Maybe that's why I have trouble breathing sometime. The doctors said that it might be hyperventilation (if I hear right) or stress. I don't really see myself as such a weak person. Haha, I'm surprised at how weak I am!

What of the home I have now? Nah, that's not home. That's Huninis's house.

              You should know by now how I loath that place. How I wanted to run away from it so many times. How I wish I'm not tied to that house. And yet I am. I will probably bound to that place till the end. It was my late grandfather's wish after all. And I did say yes to it. I never thought such a thing was possible. I thought that if I was bound to this place, maybe I should stay away from it for now. After all, I have years later to curse at myself for not being able to set myself free.

          It's a funny thing. Almost laughable. That place torments me so much. I hated it so much. I have close to zero good memories there. The people that I love doesn't live there. The people I would have want to meet aren't even there. Most of them don't even want to return there. Some of them already not returning there. Even NaO seldom come now. Not that she should but she used to would. I have no expectation of that place. If anything, I've always thought of myself being bound there by a promise and I'll just wretchedly going to rot there as well.

Yet.. oh, there's a "yet". Hahaha.

           When things go wrong, when things become hard... when it's unbearable to want to return to the past... when when.. when everything escapes me, when I'm nothing... that wretched place is where I'd like to go to. Call me crazy, call me soft, call me indecisive... but I've stayed there for so long, I've made a safe sanctuary for myself somewhere there. Regardless of how I loath that place, and I still do, and even though I tried so hard to fake it, and to patch and mend what might have broken and find where it can be fixed... and tried to find the crack in which light could come into this void, I still hate this place. Someone told me before that I don't hate this place, I just make myself believe that I do. I wish he was right. I wish. I wish it's just the rebellious thought of the rebellious side of me who hated this place. He was wrong.

I still have some hope though. I wish to believe that hatred can ease, maybe I won't end up liking, but at least, I hope the hatred disappear. Hating is a tiring thought.

I apologize for being negative.