Dear Grandfather....

My grandfather passed away on the 24th of April, around ten. We realized it at 10.30 something and his death was comfirmed at 11.00 p.m.

          I didn't really know what to feel. My mom and grandmother was being strong as we have no man in the house to arrange for his funeral. So, my inexperience mom and grandmother was holding it and call our neighbours for help and was having it hard inside, I think. I was probably in that state where you would say blank? No, not really.. it's not like I lost consciousness or anything near to that. It's like I was just ----- and ok, what do we do now? So I helped my mom contact the relatives while tweeting and e-mail'ing' to all those I could to inform of grandfather death.
   
          The thing is, I'm wondering why am I like this. I was so used to the word weird that I didn't care about being weird. That whole 'weird is unique' thing are just an excuse. Truth is, it's not that I am proud of being weird. I just didn't care. I didn't care to bother what others might though because it's too bothersome. That's why I used that phrase 'weird is unique' thing. Let me get this straight. I like being different. I'm proud that I'm different. But weird and different are two things not connected in this case.

          Back to the main point. You see, two years ago, at my grandmother's (father's mother) funeral, I too didn't know what I felt. It's like at that point my mind was thinking whether to grieve at her death, at my dad's loss, or to act strong. But then again, 'act' is not really the right word. Acting means.. something like pretending, right? What the heck does pretending means then? Me, pretending to be strong? But I wasn't even in the verge of tears.

          I love my grandparents, really, truthfully, honestly. Though I AM lazy, and don't always listen to them. But I never once thought they were such a pain to me. First, well, my grandparents are very sweet. And cute, and pretty. Especially the only one that's still living right now, my mother's mother. Well, but she's the only one who I probably don't agree with always. And she's the only fierce grandparent ever. But I don't remember ever arguing with her though. Simply because there's nothing to argue. I was wrong, she was ill... So if I ever do got a scolding, I would just force a smile instead of a sulk and tried to change topic. Or run away~ I meant, listen but never really listen. Well, you should get what I mean.

          My late grandfather was very sick before he died. My grandmother and me were the one who nursed him all this time. Well, mom and Ien included. I might not be the one they love the most, but my late grandfather is the man I felt most indebted to after my dad. Do you know how much I love this long winded brain of mind and whatever style of thinking I have that might one day lead me to doom? Well, I still love it coz it's mine after all. Do you know that I start learning how to read complex book at an early age? Maybe not. Well, I gave all those thanks to my late grandfather who just passed away. Though my mom was the one (who thought she taught me how to read) who buy me all those books, the person who actually nurtured the reading interest in me was my grandfather. It was brief but when he told me the wonders of books, [get the picture here - an old wise man sitting on a couch telling a wise thing to young, very young child just like in the cartoons; doesn't it grind to your head the importance of this ceremony?] I was immediately into books.

           I started of with classics~ Hehe... a 5 year old reading classical book~ Well, i might not understand the whole conversation but I get the story at the very least. Then I go for Aesop Fables. By the age of 8, I have graduated from Enid Blyton's children & teenagers novels^^. And I continued to read classics, now that I finally understand the language. And I move on to much mature reading. Though I don't fancy adult novels so much. Reason no. 1, I still have a child mind. I hate all those disgusting kisses and sex. But if it's not a love novel, I mean.. investigation, history etc., well, I could deal with a bit of romance in there~ But I love shoujo manga though.  Not as much as shounen... Hehe

          Well, I always always thought of my grandfather even when I'm in school. That's why I always assume that I love him very very very much ^^. But maybe, love doesn't work that way. Just because you like him, you think a lot about him, you felt so much gratitude for him, doesn't mean that you love him, eh? Because even as I see him at his death bed, I just looked away. I'm not sure if I look away because I couldn't bear it or something else. But even if it was the other option, what changes does it make? I don't know what the other option is. Is my heart that empty that I couldn't cry for a real being? I would get overly happy or upset over a fiction character. I could cry for the sorrow of a character. Or laugh like maniac at their joy. I even cried for Ace who wasn't even the main character of that manga.

          But I couldn't even decide what to feel upon my grandfather's death.

Just what kind of creature am I? Heartless,... yeah, now that I think about it, Huninis said that too me before. I'm heartless eh? Or maybe I have given up on human. There's nothing to expect. I hate to ever agree with Huninis but maybe I am heartless.