Elle, "L"

Hey~ haven't been active for a while. I mean, I'm always, in out in out lately. Haha, whatever that means.

So well, like always, a lot had happened and as always, I don't know how to phrase it or just too lazy to talk about it.
Somehow, I'm always sad these days. Even when I'm happy, some parts of me still depressed about some things I don't know of. Odd, isn't it? I didn't get it myself. There are days that I just fall into this abyss that I can't seem to get out of. Worse, I don't even know what's causing it. Maybe using 'abyss' is too hardcore, but that's what I usually feel when I'm feeling it. On days like this, I miss Elle.


          Elle. The easy to pronounce name. It can be Eli, Elli, El, L. Not to girly, not too manly too. Have been the best thing that have ever appeared in my life. Also the worst thing that have ever disappear from my life. Also maybe not the best thing to have in my life. He's been a dilemma for many years already. I always say how he make me happy, or angry, or how I missed him so, but I've never really said who he is, how he came and such, right? I never liked talking about it because the fact is, he's gone. He's... I think... he's never coming back.

So here how's it started:

          When I was small, I am that kid who love playing by myself. It became such a joy that the time I spent alone is much more precious than the time I spent playing with Soyain, or stalking Tazia, or jumping on or sliding down the roof with my neighbours. I liked playing in the woods, talking to trees as if they're magical and could speak back. Sometimes, I played tricks on the squirrels, and when they fell for it (maybe only ever happened twice), I just laughed as if I did the most amazing things. Sometimes, I would stare at what the ants are doing, not that I'm learning or something, I'd just imagine, what are the conversations they might be having among themselves and such thing.

         I carried this habit even after I moved out of Simunjan. Even when I decided to be feminine, I still couldn't let go of this part of me. Then, when I was 10, I became this anti-social kid. I love playing, you see. And sometimes, I need friends to play with me. Especially when it involves role-playing. So I started having imaginary friends. But real cool ones. I used all the stuff I saw back when I was playing in the woods as my reference. And I had the time of my life.

       When I was 12, I started having some trouble. I guess with a lot of stuff. Friends, family, keeping up with my miraculously good grades, and dealing with the constant change of addresses. I was in need of someone to talk to. My sisters wasn't around, Huninis and Uranna were out of question, my brother wasn't around, and my friends.. well.. I wasn't the honest kid back then. I never opened up to them. So.. that's when Elle appeared. I wanted someone who looked human. I can't talk to my imaginary friends mainly because none of them looked human. They were great, but they don't look like someone I can stand talking to for hours.

          So I made him to be tall, not the intimidating sort of tall, but the just-nice kind. I don't have to stretch my neck to look up to him. And his hair is kept short. He's not talkative, but he's attentive. His words are never sweet, but they were true and sharp. He doesn't elaborate unless you ask. He's not too thin, but he have a good build. Never wear anything that shows too much skin. Always long pants and long-sleeved clothes. Ah, but the best part of him is that he always listen, and always there for me. Always. There was not a time that he can't be found. And when he speak, his voice is so deep that even if I dislike his comment, I'll shallow it and accept it. I honestly wanted him to be as fair as Legolas from Lord of the Ring, but it didn't turn out right. He ended up with dark skin. I don't know how that happened since he's my imagination, but it happened anyway. Maybe, deep in the young discriminating me, I cannot see the logic of a fair skinned guy who talks too little.

        Elle was everything to me. When everyone brings me down, he cheered me up. He made me feel confident in everything I do. When I had to stand up for my friends, or myself, he gave me the courage to do so. Elle was around for everything. From waking me up in the morning. suggesting what sort of breakfast I should make, to reminding me about my homework and lull me to sleep. He wasn't always on my side. There were times when I argued with Ien, or made Uranna angry and I was sure I did nothing wrong, but he scolded me for it. Having him around soothe me, it made my day, my whole life bearable. Over time, I relied on him so much.

            Still, Elle kept me away from everyone else. I depend on him for everything, I never bothered to make new friends, or open up to my other friends or my family. I only liked him, and if there's anything he never told me, that is that I'm lonely. He always said it's okay because he's there for me, and I believed that. I guess, I do now too. Reality however, is that I depended on something not real, and Elle never bothered to tell me that I should mix around with everyone else. And yes, my world did not expand. I grew even more unnoticed. At that time, I think, if I disappeared,no one would even realize it. I never thought it's my fault that others didn't notice me.

          With Elle, came along the other 3 -> Fritz, Dev and LaRich. They're always with me. I love them. I never want to lose them. I was certain they'll stay with me forever.

But well, Elle didn't.

           I loved Hime, Chi and NaO. I don't care what the world have to say about them, I just love them. Fritz, Dev & LaRich love them too. Elle never said anything about them. Elle was there with me when these three weren't. When I have to struggle through my grades and family and the outcast my classmates did, Elle was there for me. However, I didn't sever ties with my girls. I couldn't. I wanted to be a part of their life even if Elle didn't like it. And even after my grandfather passed away, and all that cheered me up was Elle, I still couldn't let the girls go. I chased after them, and then I got them. And finally, I have real friends. People I can actually touch. People who would make porridge for me when I'm sick, would run with me, would hit me when I'm being silly.

And one day, Elle was being annoying. He sulks too much, and become even more silent. I didn't like how he's trying to make me feel guilty so we argued. I never told him to leave. I never say it. NEVER. Maybe though, I did felt like I could go on without him. And if he really did come from my heart, maybe he heard that.
           The next day, he was gone. Fritz, and everyone else wouldn't say a word. Until today, I don't know what happened.

I told myself to let it go. It's been 2 years since then. But lately, the nightmares came again. I just.. missed him terribly.