The Fear

My roommate said, "Most girl, or very often, a woman will match herself to her husband's preference and lifestyle."

I didn't have much to contribute to her notion. I am not married. Yet. Oh bother, just not.

Oh before that, here's some hint to what this post is really about:

“His absence seemed a solid thing, a burden I must carry in addition to my grief... Yet I knew I would continue to live. Sometimes that knowledge seemed the worst part of my loss.” —Robin Hobb

       What my roommate said might not be completely wrong though (I just can't find it in me to say she's right). I mean, my old post certainly confirmed that I have my fair share of crushes. I am of the female side with hormones. So yeah, I have crushes, the real ones is etched in my memory still, although it never worked out.

       My point is. During those times that I liked them, I did try to match with their pace. Maybe not totally. Even I know it's not going to work out and there's no point in changing myself so much for some guy that won't bother about me. Still, when you like someone, you subconsciously try to change, even when you tell yourself not to.

       For example, for the one with faraway eyes, I became talkative (though I do this with my friends too) and try not to be timid, work really hard with Taekwondo training (cause' he seems to hate those giggly girls who came to practice but was more playful than hardworking), and I use the breaks to train instead of sitting and drinking. Although I'm not a fan of sweets and cakes, I research a lot about them and actually spent money on them so that I know how they taste like, so that the next time we meet, we will have more things to talk about that would be to his liking.

Oh don't bother bugging me with the "How 'bout what I like?" thingy.
       When you are into someone, you just can't help but like the things he like. Well at least the effort and time you take to learn them is fun, even if you don't like the actual thing.

Even as you do all this, there's always this thing:

• "What is he doesn't like it?" 
• "What if you got it wrong?" 
• "What if he doesn't like me?"

I know some people have the opinion that you should be yourself and someday, someone who likes you just the way you are will come and cherish you and bla bla bla.
I am NOT against this. It's true.

       Face it though. It only applies to those who fall first. If you were that girl/guy who like the other party first, of course you like everything about him/her (or able to ignore/forgive his faults). Ok, I didn't do research on this so maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, this post is about fear and anxiety so let just get to the main topic:

       After I tried all these stuff, even when we're best buds or when we were, the fear is there. It tugs me deep. Not just in crushes. Even among friends! How utterly tiring. Yet I couldn't escape this. Is this confidence related issue? I think it might be.

       I am very close to my roommate. I love her and I can't imagine how depressing and sad it will be if she starts to hate me. She's nice but wasn't really open before but lately she's been telling me more about herself. I can take it as a sign that she's trusting me more and more but you see, that's when the fear kicks in the most. The more she like me now, the more I will like her back. What if it goes to one point that I can't bear it if she's not my friend? It might sound silly to have a fear on something that might be unlikely or to have anxiety at the time when positive things are at peak.
But it's there.

       When I'm out with friends, I like it. I can't say I'm totally happy though. How can you when anxiety kick in? I fear the day it will be just a memory. Recently, good memories only make me even more sad. There's this nasty tormenting persona in my brain that keeps on ruining my moment. It whispers the day good things end.

       When I'm out with my sister, I wonder how long can she last, dealing with me. It feels that one day they will all ditch me for something better. Worse, I might be the one who encourage these precious people to do so. If they can get rainbows, why would they stay with dirt?

“Yet I knew I would continue to live. 

Sometimes that knowledge seemed the worst part of my loss.”

Thank you for reading.