Memories

 I think I need to have a talk with Rafah. It has been bugging me. Almost a year now and I find myself being ok for the most part, Alhamdulillah.

However, during the nights, I find myself in tears, thinking about Elle and my kids. How life would be if I stayed in my dreams.

My reality could merge. There's no reason why I should abandon my reality for a fantasy. I know those two can't mix. Not in my case.

In my dreams, the kids were naughty. I'm tired of them everyday but when I looked, there's Elle supporting me every step of the way. He's not the man of my life, but he's my rock. We'd go to beaches, hiking in the forest, picnic by the river...

Truthfully, it's tiring and hectic. Yet there's pure bliss in the memory.

They say when you create new memories, the old ones fades away. How I wish. How I don't wish. How can I wish to erase these precious feelings? They are not healthy for me and I must. They're not even real. Elle can never be a rock, and the kids never existed. Still, I miss them so much.

I want new memories. I desperately do.

I'm worried if my desperation will be a burden to those around me. Am I using them? Perhaps. The sense of guilt to do something together with the ones I love for the sake of forgetting other memories makes me a fake person.

I want to talk to someone about it, but how can I tell?

I can't get rid of my guilt or longing.

Sometimes it's easier for me to want to disappear.

I can only hope I am sane enough not to go through with it.