Hollow

I fell back into the loop. The vacuum abys that I wasn't supposed to submit to. I guess I don't write when I'm happy. Happy would be a stretch, I don't write when I am busy. And busy is good. It keeps me occupied, it keeps me going. From one thing on to the next. Having plans and daily routine makes my life much more balanced and breathable.

But that's not the case anymore.

After my sister's passing, I thought smiling is a chore. I thought being happy was a torment because every single time I try, I'd remember that she can't anymore. Still, I kept going at it, I kept trying to find things that would make me laugh, that would make me energized for the next day. I kept going on.

I thought this was natural. Grief is a process, grief is a short part of life everyone is bound to experience. It was a good half a year of me being the girl my late sister would have wanted me to be.

Then I crashed.

I was without plans again. I made plans but I have no energy to follow them.

I fall back again to the usual pattern. My plain old, foundationless, hollow self.

Sometimes I feel bad. I feel like I am deceiving everyone when I try to be positive. I deceived myself too. I kept telling that it's alright, I am alright, the world isn't out there to torment me, that I have many support, that I am fine being me.

Lies.

When I needed the most is when I can see who are those who are with me in times of need, and unfortunately, there is none. I don't have the confidence to reach out to anyone too. At times like these, memories of Elle gets so comforting. I know Elle's not there anymore, but just thinking, just reminiscing comforts me. Because the harsh truth is there, that no one would stand by my side. Everyone I have around me now is there because of the false positivity that I projected. The good me.

The me who wants to give it all up will never have this many support. It's undeserving too. I understand that. However, sometimes I still wish someone would see through my bluff.

I wished and wished that someone would just say it's alright to be no one. That even if I fall and don't get back up, it's still alright. I don't have to be a winner who gets back up after every fall. It's exhausting, and they understand.

But those are weakness in thoughts. Those are things that comes from a loser. Excuses so that I can stay fallen. Even I know I have to get back up. So I got back up every time. I don't give up. And they like me for it.

If only they know behind that girl is someone hollow who wishes she doesn't have to face anything. Someone who clings to a non-existent memory of an imaginary friend. Someone who clings at nothing. Someone who is nothing.

I just wish I could also.. be loved even if I'm nothing.