All I Have

 Hey again those who still reads,

So it's no secret that I have some kind of mental health disorder. I can't recall if I wrote about it before. I have mentioned Elle a few too many times, so I think you can guess what the diagnosis was.

Anyway, I have been having a blast these past few weeks. I met up with friends, I started taking good care of my skin and hair, and generally having some kind of positivity in life.

I feel very, very blessed to have good people around me. 💗

I wish this post was about the positive energy that I've been feeling.

The truth is, those voices always lingers. And I haven't been taking my meds.

It's true (I guess) that I have people around me who loves me, who cares for me, who would (probably) journey with me in my struggle to overcome things.

I have, however, failed far too many times. I have been bruised and hurt, and abandoned, or felt the ticking fear that gnaws at my heart far too many times.

I feel so suffocated in my blessing. I feel like I have to appreciate it, I have to love it, I have to strive for the good parts of my life.

So I stopped taking meds. They were taking away my companion - the voices in my head. Now I know that those whispers aren't exactly good. They most of the time tell me to do something horrid.

I am stronger now, I think. I can be with them and brush them off. But I never want them to disappear. What am I without them? What kind of person will I be if I have nothing in my head to fight with?

They're all I have left of me. Everything about me is changing, and I can't believe it's me. I can't accept this new person that emerge and replacing the self that I have been all my life.

The voices are all I have.

I hate them to the core, but I can't have them leave.

And tonight, I find myself crying, fighting over the need for medication and the ever-clinging need for those voices to be present. But like mockery, they disappear when I need them.

Perhaps I deserve to be mocked. I choose their nasty whispers over treatment.

This is a shame I can never admit aloud.