Sell-a-fish

I've been thinking a lot about relationship today. Romantic relationship.

I think so far, in my own relationship, Lemon and I have been having a pretty good relationship. Maybe it was thanks to Lemon, since we have discussed a bunch about how to manage a healthy relationship and how to this and that.

He wanted this relationship to last for a long time, thinking about the future and stuff, to which I agree, that I do want that too. After all, sometimes, the thought about our future together kept me going. At least, it forced me into a positivity and assertiveness in life so that I don't stay down.

However, despite trying our best at having a good, balanced and healthy relationship, I've come to the fundamental question: Are we happy?

I am beyond happy when he's around. When we just sit and enjoy our hobbies together. To be accurate, only during these times.

Other times, I'm just awkward and follow the flow that Lemon sets.

I think Lemon is considerate, he thinks how best to treat me and all those good qualities, but of course we have some boundaries like why would I call him in the middle of the morning when on a weekday. And other relatively common sense to do and not do to each other.

For all the things we've done right, it makes me even more aware of how I want to behave. And that horrifies me. Because at the end of the day, I want to break all rules, ignore all common sense, and just be selfish.

I told myself a million times that I should respect space and privacy, something I believe is really important. However, finding a partner who values these things as well makes me someone who have to respect his time just as he does mine.

Here's the problem: I don't want to.

I want him around when I need him, but I don't necessarily have the energy to entertain him when he needs me.

I could go on a route of self-bashing here, but I don't want to. Enough is said in I am selfish.

I don't want to be. I want to be cool, but I am not that girl. I want to be spoilt, even though I don't want to spoil him. 

I hold myself back from being an idiot and ruin the relationship. Despite this, there's a gnawing feeling in me that feels resentful that I can't be myself even though my logic dictates that being selfish is not a good trait and controlling it doesn't mean I am not myself.

I thought that with all the bad things that happened to me, this is the one thing I am happy and grateful about.

But I found myself asking: Am I happy?