Night Regrets

 It hasn't been a good year for everyone. COVID-19 made it difficult. The lingering mourning of death takes center stage in this period of times. How sad, how cruel, how heart-wrenching must it be to be in a situation where there's nothing you can do to prevent your loved ones from suffering.

Such are my thoughts - my detached empathy - towards everyone who is suffering.

I never would have thought grief would knock my door too.

At least, it wasn't something I thought would happen so suddenly.

Memories

 I think I need to have a talk with Rafah. It has been bugging me. Almost a year now and I find myself being ok for the most part, Alhamdulillah.

However, during the nights, I find myself in tears, thinking about Elle and my kids. How life would be if I stayed in my dreams.

My reality could merge. There's no reason why I should abandon my reality for a fantasy. I know those two can't mix. Not in my case.

The Best Thing In the World

So I was watching a drama with my sister when something someone said about "What is Love?"

The companion character then said, "The best thing in the world."

My sister immediately replied bitterly, "No."

Nice

You like her, so you vie for the affection. Maybe if you were nice, she'd like you back. Maybe if you like the same thing, she'd like you.

Alas, affection is not a give and take transaction. No matter how much you like a person, if they don't like you back, then the best they can do is be nice about it.

Nice. What a frustrating word. I wonder if anyone I've treated nicely ever got hurt by the nice barrier I put up. Realizing someone I like and respect only treated me nicely out of politeness hurts. Knowing that even if I don't exist in her life, I won't be missed hurts.

I guess that's just how it is. Maybe I was nice to someone before too. I hope they moved on from me better than I can move on from her though.