-n0t- BetteR if I sTaY

Tazia said something.... hmm.. quite disturbing the other day.
She said I'm a patient person and that's a good thing. She said, compared to her, who's always getting angry and emotional over the smallest thing, I could endure even the biggest thing.

         As much as that sounded like a compliment, I doubt I could accept that. I might not be as rash as she is, but patient? I wonder if that's me.

Long ago

Jut like the hearse you die to get in again

We are so far from you

One thing led to another. This week have been an emotionally tormenting week for me.

I didn't really want to go anywhere for the holidays. My plan was to sit quietly in my hostel room for the whole two weeks and when the new semester starts, just go and live with it.

However, my dear concerned roommate (meddlesome too) bought me a train ticket to my sister's, since she assumed what I didn't want to do was going back to Huninis's house.

Wrong though. What I didn't want to do was see human faces.

Burnin' on just like the match you strike to incinerate

The lives of everyone you know

I might not want to see Huninis. Doesn't really mean that I wanted to see Tazia though. I don't get it myself.
...
Maybe I do, maybe I do deep inside. I have the feeling that I do. I'm not gonna go and find out though. I'm not gonna unlock the box I've carefully secure.

And what's the worst to take

From every heart you break?

And like a blade you stain.

I spent the first two days feeling sick. It turns out Huninis and the rest decided to visit Tazia. And I happened to be there. And Tazia mentioned nothing. She said "I just found out too. They wanted to make it a surprise. If I knew, I would have told you". Haha, surprise indeed.
Fate decided to laugh at me. 

Well I've been holding on tonight.

          I'm at the edge. Faking smiles and laughter used to be easy. Used to be nothing. When did it get so annoying to pretend?

I don't care if Tazia had a temper. She's something. I don't care if Firann can't lift more than I could, can't support us the way I could've done better... He's something. I don't care if Sienna felt inferior in looks. She's a big something. Even Ien... had always been something.

What's the worst thing I could say?

Things are better if I stay

It had stayed this way for years. I've regretted rebelling once. What am I doing?
Is having a thought of my own is a problem?
Was it because I wanted something, instead of nothing?
Was it the fact that I couldn't give up on being something?
But I did give up.

Came a time when every star fall

Brought you to tears again?

We are the very hurt you sold.

I couldn't give up but at this stage, I can't even move forward. Even if I dragged my feet thousand of miles away, I can never throw away that excess baggage. I don't want it.

It's not cool to be this depressed.

Can I just forget?
Maybe, if it's gone, it'll be alright. Not remembering things frustates me.. but remembering stuff that would only bring me down...

I'd rather forget it all.

Well if you carry on this way

Things are better if I stay

Out there.. I wonder if there's someone who could hear silent screams? I guess that someone won't be human.

... maybe I'll be gone sooner than expected.