The Image of Hallucination

I think by this time, I have been talking about Elle so much, that it would take an incredibly dense person to not know that I have vivid imagination that crossover to the point of hallucination.

Have you ever been in a state where you are aware that you are hallucinating?

I used to not be able to differentiate. I thought when I heard footsteps, the shadow of an old lady at the window, or the boy who was on top of the tree with his cat eyes, were all potentially real. I used to be scared if I could see ghost and other beings.

When I was much younger, my imagination wasn’t well formed, so I couldn’t create a fully functioning human being in my head so most of my hallucination were round cute beings who were my friends, or scary shadows that haunted my nights. As I age, I could imagine things better, from how each person hair would flow in the wind, or what footsteps can be heard from different kind of shoes and the way they walk. The bright side of it was that this kept me at peace on my lonely days. The horrid side of it is that I imagine worse stuff that scares me.

Back when Elle was around, I could control the darker side of my imagination. They did not form further than shadows or sounds unless I had my guard down, which was mostly after a horror movie. Elle kept them at bay for me. There were instances when I thought it wasn’t my imagination though, especially when even Elle couldn’t shoo them away. When that fear struck, I would still be calm since I have God.

Once Elle was gone however, I had to deal with it on my own. It wasn’t bad knowing they’re the work of my own imagination. Plus, my own late-night reading, studies, and socialization usually kept me tired and made me sleep almost immediately once I was ready for bed.

Unfortunately, for the past few years, they came back, attacking every corner of my thoughts, without care for the when. No matter how I ignore them, they just kept coming. Always at some corner, staring, waiting for me to acknowledge that they were there. Sometimes they come close. Close enough I can feel them near my skin. I had to close my eyes, but they’re part of my mind, so even with closed eyes, I can see them. When I tried turning them into something positive, they consumed it and laughed at my efforts.

I used to try to explain this to my friends. They grew worried, thinking I may have been possessed. Sometimes I wonder that to myself too. I knew it’s a fragment of my imagination though. They are my state of mind. After all, if they weren’t, then they should be able to do something when I had one of those brain freeze moments but no, whenever my brain just stop thinking, for that very second, their every motion freezes too.

I wanted something more powerful of an image, to beat the ones I have now. I used to picture Ancient-san as a stickman, standing outside my door with his thin wooden sword and slashing the beings one by one. It was funny, though the stickman Ancient-san no longer guards my door. He had forgotten the promise and no matter how I wanted to call the image back, the stickman just appears to give me rejection.

I guess I simply wanted to get this out of my mind. I’m not some supernatural freak, but I need help though I don’t know in what form.

As usual, thanks for reading.