Was There A Cry?

A cry for help. That's what the boy told me when I posted a single "No." on Facebook a couple of years ago.

Back then when he told me that post was a cry for help I didn't entertain it. I saw it merely as an expression. Of saying no to the world but not wanting to divulge what was the no aimed at. I was pretty secretive at the same time as wanting to be expressive.

And he prod no longer.

Maybe part of me wanted him to prod more. Why trust my no, when you have your own belief on it? I suppose it makes sense though, we were strangers. Why would a stranger give me their time when I've refused it already?

I've been seeing psychiatrist for 2 years now. The first year was a pain. A session full of tears and picking myself back up only to fall again.

Eyeshield 21: Chapter 20

When I reflect on this, it reminded me of Eyeshield 21. Particularly the part extracted.

It saddens me sometime that I don't get back up immediately, but it also reassures me at another time due to the okay-ness of failing.

Recently, I could feel myself getting better. I don't see things much, nor hear them. There were instances that I can see and hear them but they're getting less vivid or I'm getting stronger at rejecting them.

Still the better I felt, the bigger the guilt. I'm doing what I need to do: Get help.

I can't seem to be relieved that the help did come. Instead, I grew restless.

I can not be sure if it comes from not knowing when I'll be bothered again, or if this lingering sadness have just become a part of me that refuse to go.

Which is why I may not have been asking for help. It feels weird when you want to do the right thing, but your heart's not ready. You'll be left with a hole inside that is completely void no matter how much you pour in it.

And that ends this rambling.