Erase

Some months ago, I felt that void.

The emptiness was killing me, every night wishing it wasn't there - something that wasn't there. Thinking like this, how can you wish for something that wasn't there to fill an empty space. That's filling an empty space with nothing. So my wistful longing was for nothing.

It was painful, it aches my heart. I felt more broken than I ever felt before. So I wished for them back. I wished hard but it didn't happen. The doctor already warned me that I would feel a strong sense of loss, but I thought I was ready. I thought I could fight it. Initially I did, but I didn't grow stronger. The more I try to be better, to forget them, to erase the need for their existence, the worst it gets. I felt even deeper longing for some things that wasn't there. I lost my appetite and my sleep didn't improve. My focus were lost and I had to deal with more sleepless nights and pretend that I was OK in the morning. Against my better judgment, I stopped taking my meds.

For a brief some hours, I felt unburdened. A heavy weight lifted from the abyss of my heart. It felt light, like I was flying in a wondrous dream. Then the relapse comes.

Memories, voices, and disturbing images comes. They weren't worst than before I started medication, but they were more suggestive, more appealing to my thoughts - they started to sound like me. It scares me and I couldn't get it out of my head no matter how hard I tried.

I felt guilty for wanting my friends back. I felt guilty for longing Elle. Still, the harder I try, the harder it gets. They were so much part of me that without them, I felt like I am not myself. It begs the question as to when was I ever myself. This shame I have to carry everyday, living a if it's not there.

I keep getting flash of disturbing images, and I try to ignore it. But because my brain wouldn't rest, I had to counter it with something else, and I just can’t. When I think of a counter, I felt incredibly lonely that I wanted to stop meds again but I already promise myself not to do it. I have a lot of moments that I don’t remember, and I’m scared if I break my own promises during those instances and my memory wipes it out.

The more I try to get better, the more I felt like it’s eating me away.

Somehow deep down,  I know that this is just the disease talking, but I am aching and I wish I know how to deal with this.