Anticipation and Fear

Hey guys, it's been a (about) a year.

I'm alive. Haven't been feeling much of anything these few month, or better said: year. Probably a lot happened in my life during that time, but none I can really recall now as I don't think I am fond of any of them to keep them in my memories.

I'm writing today with anticipation over my next guest, after Kena and Xoxo's visit. Ah, those were fun. My family seems okay with them coming over too. I am glad Kena and Xoxo came to Malaysia. They were the best thing of last year.


Back to the topic at hand. Even though I am very excited over my next guest, I'm not sure how my family would appreciate his coming. Yeah, the next guest........... whom I will name Zwic is my boyfriend. I said it. I usually don't say this kind of thing upfront.

We've been in an online LDR for 2 years now and he's finally coming over. Sienna wanted to meet her, Ien already knew about his existence. I'm pretty sure my parents knew about him too. I've been casually mentioning him a few times, and my dad knew I have someone in my mind. How serious the relationship is to him, I don't know.

He seems to distrust my online relationship after Crow continuous ruined plans last time. In his defense (and also mine), I was naive and didn't think things through and trusted every single word he said, and he wasn't very good at predicting what's to come or being responsible with his promises. So, I was fed up and probably my dad just sort of think I'm not someone who judge characters well.

I fear this too. Given my history of who my friends were, and the kind of friends I lost, it seems I attract more bad eggs and lost more better ones in society eyes. Although this fear runs deep, I like to shrug it off as paranoia. After all, to this day, I still have good concerned friends who likes me the way I am and who is striving in their lives instead of being the useless me.

Yeah, another worry. I am useless and pretty much not a very attractive person in person. I don't have a charming personality or exceptionally captivating or anything good about me. So part of my fear is that Zwic comes and realizes all this and leaves me.

Even if I ignore that thought, if he comes and our relationship grows stronger, how will I ever cross the boundaries of our differences?
I'm still at a dilemma on that.

For now though, I'm just gonna anticipate him coming over.
I'm pretty excited.