Nothing Ever Is

I had to take my shots today. Aripiprazole. The hospital was packed with patients today that by the time I got to buy my medications, I can't get the shot since the clinic was closing. So I have to bring my meds to the clinic tomorrow to get the shot.

Truthfully, that's not what I'm here to talk about.


I was irritable and angry. I'm not sure what the anger was about or to whom it was directed to.

Still, when it was my turn, and the doctor asked, "How are you today?", I burst into tears. I wasn't doing well, I am scared, I am anxious, I don't know why I'm so depressed these days even though I don't get any psychotic visions or hearings anymore.

I miss Elle, terribly, I said. I miss my imaginary children. I miss them gravely. How can I utter these words to anyone? They never existed. These people live inside my brain for the duration that they did and they memories won't fade away. The feelings I had was real, and I don't know how to process my grief.

After more talking, we found that my recent stress coping mechanism is binge eating and I need to realize that in order to stop. To be honest though, I don't particularly want to stop. If eating makes me forget for a while all the things that pains me, I would do it. Even so, another part of my brain is fighting that, and I'm guessing this is the good side.

I hate my current weight, and lifestyle... so I need to get a grip of my life and move forward. Rafah, my therapist told me it's not gonna be easy and I know that.

Nothing ever is.

Except when I eat. The feelings that comes with it is a turmoil though.

So nothing ever is.

...