The Breaking of a Mended Wall

When he feels frustrated, I feel sad. My unreliable hands, unable to be offered.

This pandemic is affecting everyone. I suppose that's how it would go. If it doesn't affect the masses of the world, it wouldn't be a concerning pandemic.


These days all I do is getting myself more diligent in housework, such as cooking. I've been posting pictures of my work just to keep my mind occupied. It's not that I go outside all the time before this. I've been a home-based student for soon to be 2 years now. I was unemployed for a year so that means I've been staying at home for 3 years. That's a lot. I can't even feel like a NEET as I am in education.

Still, when the pandemic hits Malaysia, my boyfriend had to leave. That broke my heart. My family aren't with me since they went back to our hometown and before they could return, a Restricted Movement Control Order was issued. So we are currently stuck at where we are.

Not having to care for the kids, or dad, makes me someone who now have to care for myself. Truthfully, I suck at that. I never had the motivation to do things for me, but I can't go unhealthy again so I desperately try to keep myself busy and not alone with toxic thoughts that has been away for some time ago. I can feel it returning. Just waiting to un-mend a mended wall.

I thought I was being helpful, so I became sorry when I took a rest. My sister would ask me what's wrong with all the sorry, that it's fine to rest when it's just the two of us, that she can handle half the workload, that I'm not responsible for it alone but to me, she works and I'm useless. So I should handle the responsibility.

These thoughts that seeps in, I don't think it was anything wrong of me to think that way. Maybe some parts of me agree that it's unnecessary. Still, without having that responsibility, I can't think for myself.

Hence why when he was frustrated, I became depressed by inability to help. It was out of my control, and I know that.

I can only pray I found a way out of this head of mine.