Holding on

 A lot have happened last year, but I can't seem to recall most of them.

Major events would be:

1. I quit school.
2. Lemon visited. Twice
3. Lemon proposed.

In all of these events, sometimes I can hear my late sister shook with disapproval. Quitting school feels like I'm running away from my problems instead of facing them, according to that deceased voice in my head. When I think of it as just my imagination, that she would understand the reasoning behind my decision, I feel terrible still, because she's not here to tell me that in person. I know my family doesn't really like that I quit, but it was between that and me choosing to pass away from this life, so they must have felt like they were stuck at gun point. That wasn't my intention.

I don't want my family to withheld their disapproval out of fear what I'd do to myself, but at the same time, once a decision was made, who likes it if people shows signs of disapproval?

Hence my relationship with dad recently haven't been great.

We didn't fight, but we're also not talking very much.

And yeah, Lemon visited in July and December.

What can I say? Those visits were great. I had fun. I still fear the days when it's no longer a visit, and we stay together, because then I will be treating him like a family member, and that, I am no good at.

At the end of his visit in December, Lemon proposed to me.

I said of course.

I don't have any change of mind or anything like that.

But fear is gnawing on me. The What-Ifs are getting stronger with passing time.

I'm holding on though. The year hasn't been splendid thus far, with me failing to get a job. But I'm slowly becoming more productive.

We'll see.