Memories

 I think I need to have a talk with Rafah. It has been bugging me. Almost a year now and I find myself being ok for the most part, Alhamdulillah.

However, during the nights, I find myself in tears, thinking about Elle and my kids. How life would be if I stayed in my dreams.

My reality could merge. There's no reason why I should abandon my reality for a fantasy. I know those two can't mix. Not in my case.

The Best Thing In the World

So I was watching a drama with my sister when something someone said about "What is Love?"

The companion character then said, "The best thing in the world."

My sister immediately replied bitterly, "No."

Nice

You like her, so you vie for the affection. Maybe if you were nice, she'd like you back. Maybe if you like the same thing, she'd like you.

Alas, affection is not a give and take transaction. No matter how much you like a person, if they don't like you back, then the best they can do is be nice about it.

Nice. What a frustrating word. I wonder if anyone I've treated nicely ever got hurt by the nice barrier I put up. Realizing someone I like and respect only treated me nicely out of politeness hurts. Knowing that even if I don't exist in her life, I won't be missed hurts.

I guess that's just how it is. Maybe I was nice to someone before too. I hope they moved on from me better than I can move on from her though.

After Happy

I guess I wasn't truthful when I said I slept well these days. I can sleep well, that's true enough. I don't want to.

I've been feeling quite happy lately. It's a nice feeling. It's addictive. I never want it to end. And I fear sleeping would end it. What if the next day will not be as nice?