Which, for me, is bad.
I had have a busy week. Even now, I still have another seminar to attend in a few hours. More than a few, maybe. Three events, both mind challenging so far, and the third might be an even greater provocation to the mind.
So basically, my mind is tired. Plus with all the homework and assignments, yeah, I am really very tired.
So when I got back, thinking only to feel my bed on yesterday's late evening, I wasn't really in my right mind when my friend, Fish entered my room asking me to accompany her that for a while. I just followed, in the state that I am, not thinking of anything. While waiting in her room, I fell asleep. Then she woke me up just to ask, "Hey, when you went out earlier, did you bring your keys?". That arise because my roommate had a program later that night.
Knowing full well that I don't have them with me, I left Fish's room, swaying back to mine, praying that my roommate left the door unlocked. Good for me, she listened to my advice - which is to always lock the door when there's no one inside. My roommate have this problem of always leaving the door unlock. However, although it is good, this just happened at the wrong time, what a misery turn of events.
With mixed feeling, I went to another friend's room, hoping to get some help. And in the meantime of waiting for my roommate to deliver her key to me, I ended up unable to control myself. It's like all the weariness is making me remember some of the things I've long left behind. What I prayed hard not to rewind itself in my head. Yet it happened. And I got stressed out.
So I talked. At first, it was random stuff.
But I couldn't stop. I feel that if I stop, I'll get a breakdown.
And I went on and on and on.
The topics were from greats icons, to history, to psychology, to science, to technology, to leadership to politics, to ethics, to religion then to whatever issues we could think of.
I NEED to learn to stop though. It ended with me talking about things I wasn't supposed to spill. I felt like I just exposed myself out flat.
I don't regret it.
But I'm having doubts. My heart felt clear. I am not a liar. But I'm not exactly honest either.
Yet I was so honest. I spelled it out from A to Z. I feel like a heavy weight is lifted, even if it's for a bit, for a moment.
I don't regret it.
Still, I never really want to share this with anyone. I consider this as a careless act.
But do they feel the same?
I mean, I made them listen. Were they suffering my depression? I wouldn't know.
Nay, I don't want to know now.
Ya Allah, give me the strength.
Guide me towards the right path and forbid me from straying again.
Strengthen my Iman.
Let me be a good being.
I will not know what are the impacts of this carelessness in the future. I can only deal with it when it comes.
I promised myself not to waver. Despite anything, I made a resolve, and I'm sticking to it.
That - is a reminder to myself.
Get up! Get up! Achieve that which you dreamed of! Grasp it! Never let go. Never give up. I promised to strive. And strive I will.
Take opportunity of today. Tomorrow doesn't wait.
Alhamdulillah, I'm still able o think positively.
I'll persist. I'll win over this self.
I carve my path, Insya'Allah.
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