The Gari Loop

I was going to share experiences about Gari. I truly did, but I delayed it and now Gari's just a thorn in my life that I don't even feel like there's anything true worth mentioning.
Except maybe the fact that Gari's in my title.
        The Gari Loop, as defined by me, is a life cycle, of someone who works hard, but failed themselves then found a saving point so that they won't break down, but surviving only that point only to work hard again and fails again, and so on.

Over the past few months, I've been trying to work hard. Dropping out of university did not make me regret it, but it certainly did not shed some light and glorious path ahead of me. Nor was it something I'd ever endorse anyone to do. I made a promise to take really good care of myself this year, but do I really know how to?

I accepted my friend's invitation for a research visit in a country very far from mine. The invitation comes to help me have a change of environment. Maybe, being far from my current environment for a month would be healing, she and my doctor both said.

Guilt is a scary thing.

I couldn't sit at home and rest knowing that I'm using up resources, and that I've failed my parents somehow. My father said don't look at it as a failure. It's part of my path, it's just another thing I have to overcome. So resting doesn't equal too overcoming challenges, no?

I grew restless even in my supposed to be resting day. I kept myself looking for opportunity because I don't want to miss one.

Then I found myself a job interview. Then I found myself a job.

I am grateful that things looks like it's getting better.

I am more initiative at making conversations and catching up with old friends too.

Yet, I don't find it easier to sleep. I don't find myself fresh and happy.
Somehow, I feel like I'm just repeating steps, in a different view - but a repeat regardless.

And I know how that ends.