The Best Thing In the World

So I was watching a drama with my sister when something someone said about "What is Love?"

The companion character then said, "The best thing in the world."

My sister immediately replied bitterly, "No."

Nice

You like her, so you vie for the affection. Maybe if you were nice, she'd like you back. Maybe if you like the same thing, she'd like you.

Alas, affection is not a give and take transaction. No matter how much you like a person, if they don't like you back, then the best they can do is be nice about it.

Nice. What a frustrating word. I wonder if anyone I've treated nicely ever got hurt by the nice barrier I put up. Realizing someone I like and respect only treated me nicely out of politeness hurts. Knowing that even if I don't exist in her life, I won't be missed hurts.

I guess that's just how it is. Maybe I was nice to someone before too. I hope they moved on from me better than I can move on from her though.

After Happy

I guess I wasn't truthful when I said I slept well these days. I can sleep well, that's true enough. I don't want to.

I've been feeling quite happy lately. It's a nice feeling. It's addictive. I never want it to end. And I fear sleeping would end it. What if the next day will not be as nice?

The Breaking of a Mended Wall

When he feels frustrated, I feel sad. My unreliable hands, unable to be offered.

This pandemic is affecting everyone. I suppose that's how it would go. If it doesn't affect the masses of the world, it wouldn't be a concerning pandemic.

The Night Beggar

I'm sick and tired of life.

I'm sick and tired of trying.

But I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and try again. There's a tiny voice inside of me that begs for everything to end. In what form, I dare not entertain.

Living like this is something I'm working towards. To be able to function day to day. And I am making progress.

Yet my nights are filled with thoughts of regrets for trying. It's strange to hate trying when I can see the good results. Perhaps I resent the result. It comes back in a cycle, I can never stop.

Such is life.

And I'm tired of it. It is tired of it. And it keeps on begging and begging and begging for me to stop.

I am wise enough to know that it's wrong. I'm not sure I am strong enough to contain it from bursting out.

Nothing Ever Is

I had to take my shots today. Aripiprazole. The hospital was packed with patients today that by the time I got to buy my medications, I can't get the shot since the clinic was closing. So I have to bring my meds to the clinic tomorrow to get the shot.

Truthfully, that's not what I'm here to talk about.

Anticipation and Fear

Hey guys, it's been a (about) a year.

I'm alive. Haven't been feeling much of anything these few month, or better said: year. Probably a lot happened in my life during that time, but none I can really recall now as I don't think I am fond of any of them to keep them in my memories.

I'm writing today with anticipation over my next guest, after Kena and Xoxo's visit. Ah, those were fun. My family seems okay with them coming over too. I am glad Kena and Xoxo came to Malaysia. They were the best thing of last year.