That Dishonest Part

           NaO came to my house today. Since Huninis went to Penang with Ien to deal with visa things before she flies to Japan for Sienna's graduation, I asked NaO to stay for the night. And her mom gives a green light so she stayed the night. Huhu, NaO is just beside me sleeping soundlessly, don't know if she dream of anything. Well, if you're reading this later on NaO, I just want to say thanks for today. If you didn't come, I might be one mad woman getting frustrated over every little things that had happened today.

          I think Elle has a problem. I want him to tell me but ah, the obvious annoying Elle not gonna spill a bean! Haixxx,..... I miss him. Truth is he didn't talk much even before but now,... he became almost mute. Hope he's not deaf. While NaO was chatting with me in the dining hall, Elle just sat and stare. He's not even trying to be polite by going away. I know that NaO can't see him but still, it was uncomfortable for me. By the way, I told NaO almost, just almost everything about myself. No, maybe I told her 1/3 of the important things. I felt that if I tell her too much, that I'll be depending on her like I depend on the noname voice. I never really call him anything. Just a no name voice. Felt like if I ever give him a name, I might not wonder or curious to know his real name. Therefore, until he tells me himself, he'll just be another noname.

          NaO actually listen what I said. I thought, really do thought that everyone will thing that I'm crazy if I ever confess on having this problem. I consider it a mental illness. I guess that's why I'm so sensitive to any mental illness. But I was, and probably still am really dishonest. Never telling the whole truth, and keeping things to myself. Maybe that's why I'm left out. Or ignorant. I really love my friends but I can't seem to have the confidence of being very close to them. Maybe that's why Hime doesn't share her situation with me. Though it hurt a bit, maybe more, but I kinda' deserves it. After all, I don't tell her anything either. Chii mo. Noname would probably be disappointed with how I grew up to be. Oh yeah, I noticed that Fritz were doing something while I was in the dining hall with NaO. And LaRich, haha. Caught him glancing over at NaO. I wonder if any one of them would do anything if they sees Chii. Too bad they haven't met Chii. I would like to know their views on her. Hime mo. Maybe Fritz would. Haha, Fritz is giving me a glare. Did he sense I wrote something about him?

          That poem I wrote, I'll dedicate it too them. I'll fix it. Then hopefully I'll have the courage to send it for publishing in  the school magazine. Hopefully they would understand. I talk to Sasha about our future. And we kinda' agree with one thing : we might not WANT to contact our friends right now no matter how close we are. Of course, our reasons differ. Mine would be because I have no confidence that I could stand watching them become further apart from me from the short distance I'll be. I'm really building a wall. It's too keep myself safe, actually. I guess that incident with Flower and Soyain from 7 years back was still too much for me. And the same as what happen 5 years ago with Saru and just a year after, with Mimi-chan. I learn my lesson. Though it was a stupid thing and not the right moral value, and though I know of this, I will still take it as a lesson.

          Just like how Kyoko secure her box by locking it over and over again, I secure my heart by shutting it tight, only letting tiny pores to open so that it could still breath and help me face this big reality world.

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listening to : Co-Ed School - I Love You A Thousand Times