Moving on

 Hi everyone,

I haven't been active here and while I still do want to, this blog contains much of my teenage angst and memories of old days I wish I could let go. I'm moving on to a new blog, keeping this one but this is unlikely to be updated.

You can find me next here: Going Optiminist

Thanks for being there with me at all times!!

Credentials

I have dropped out from university twice. Both because I can't seem to go to my final exams.

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Truth or truth

 I used to really like Truth or Dare. I still do, but I realize I'm not one keen for dares. I like truth questions, though. There are a lot of deeply personal things I could ask to friends when I play this. I mean not private sensual things, but deep dark secret that we take turns asking. In that way, we'd get to know each other better and will come closer to each other.

However, I have never been one to disclose my deepest, darkest secret. I found them embarrassing, and also revealing them would make me vulnerable. Still, truth questions were fun because no one knows the right way of asking me to reveal what I prefer not to.

Holding on

 A lot have happened last year, but I can't seem to recall most of them.

Major events would be:

1. I quit school.
2. Lemon visited. Twice
3. Lemon proposed.

Sell-a-fish

I've been thinking a lot about relationship today. Romantic relationship.

I think so far, in my own relationship, Lemon and I have been having a pretty good relationship. Maybe it was thanks to Lemon, since we have discussed a bunch about how to manage a healthy relationship and how to this and that.

He wanted this relationship to last for a long time, thinking about the future and stuff, to which I agree, that I do want that too. After all, sometimes, the thought about our future together kept me going. At least, it forced me into a positivity and assertiveness in life so that I don't stay down.

All I Have

 Hey again those who still reads,

So it's no secret that I have some kind of mental health disorder. I can't recall if I wrote about it before. I have mentioned Elle a few too many times, so I think you can guess what the diagnosis was.

Anyway, I have been having a blast these past few weeks. I met up with friends, I started taking good care of my skin and hair, and generally having some kind of positivity in life.

I feel very, very blessed to have good people around me. 💗

I wish this post was about the positive energy that I've been feeling.

The Invisible Disappointment

 It was a strange dream. I don't remember how it started, but I know how it ended.

A low voice, a phone call, it distraught me so much that for some reason I knew where he lives. So I ran there with all I could, out of breath.

Then I reached his place. I know of his silver hair, I know his silhouette, but I don't know him, I can picture his head down, looking down at me from the other side of the door.

I banged the door, but he refused to open.

Hollow

I fell back into the loop. The vacuum abys that I wasn't supposed to submit to. I guess I don't write when I'm happy. Happy would be a stretch, I don't write when I am busy. And busy is good. It keeps me occupied, it keeps me going. From one thing on to the next. Having plans and daily routine makes my life much more balanced and breathable.

But that's not the case anymore.

Leaning Onto You

 This is mainly a reaction post to this piece of music by Young K.

I was taking a break from a long day. I was tired of reading too many class materials and I just wanted to relax. The song provided me just that. Relaxation.

I really did want to lean onto the song, let it take away all my worries and wash away all the hard moments.

At the same time, it reminded me how human I am. I have been smiling, laughing, and generally enjoying my time even though my sister's passing wasn't that long ago.

Let's Not

The title was supposed to be longer. To be exact, it should be "Let's not fall in love", taken directly from Big Bang's song. Heh.

Something just brings me back to this song all the time. It's not just the melody (which is awesome by the way), it's the lyrics.

The reason the title of this post is not finished... is because of guilt.

Night Regrets

 It hasn't been a good year for everyone. COVID-19 made it difficult. The lingering mourning of death takes center stage in this period of times. How sad, how cruel, how heart-wrenching must it be to be in a situation where there's nothing you can do to prevent your loved ones from suffering.

Such are my thoughts - my detached empathy - towards everyone who is suffering.

I never would have thought grief would knock my door too.

At least, it wasn't something I thought would happen so suddenly.

Memories

 I think I need to have a talk with Rafah. It has been bugging me. Almost a year now and I find myself being ok for the most part, Alhamdulillah.

However, during the nights, I find myself in tears, thinking about Elle and my kids. How life would be if I stayed in my dreams.

My reality could merge. There's no reason why I should abandon my reality for a fantasy. I know those two can't mix. Not in my case.

The Best Thing In the World

So I was watching a drama with my sister when something someone said about "What is Love?"

The companion character then said, "The best thing in the world."

My sister immediately replied bitterly, "No."

Nice

You like her, so you vie for the affection. Maybe if you were nice, she'd like you back. Maybe if you like the same thing, she'd like you.

Alas, affection is not a give and take transaction. No matter how much you like a person, if they don't like you back, then the best they can do is be nice about it.

Nice. What a frustrating word. I wonder if anyone I've treated nicely ever got hurt by the nice barrier I put up. Realizing someone I like and respect only treated me nicely out of politeness hurts. Knowing that even if I don't exist in her life, I won't be missed hurts.

I guess that's just how it is. Maybe I was nice to someone before too. I hope they moved on from me better than I can move on from her though.

After Happy

I guess I wasn't truthful when I said I slept well these days. I can sleep well, that's true enough. I don't want to.

I've been feeling quite happy lately. It's a nice feeling. It's addictive. I never want it to end. And I fear sleeping would end it. What if the next day will not be as nice?

The Breaking of a Mended Wall

When he feels frustrated, I feel sad. My unreliable hands, unable to be offered.

This pandemic is affecting everyone. I suppose that's how it would go. If it doesn't affect the masses of the world, it wouldn't be a concerning pandemic.

The Night Beggar

I'm sick and tired of life.

I'm sick and tired of trying.

But I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and try again. There's a tiny voice inside of me that begs for everything to end. In what form, I dare not entertain.

Living like this is something I'm working towards. To be able to function day to day. And I am making progress.

Yet my nights are filled with thoughts of regrets for trying. It's strange to hate trying when I can see the good results. Perhaps I resent the result. It comes back in a cycle, I can never stop.

Such is life.

And I'm tired of it. It is tired of it. And it keeps on begging and begging and begging for me to stop.

I am wise enough to know that it's wrong. I'm not sure I am strong enough to contain it from bursting out.

Nothing Ever Is

I had to take my shots today. Aripiprazole. The hospital was packed with patients today that by the time I got to buy my medications, I can't get the shot since the clinic was closing. So I have to bring my meds to the clinic tomorrow to get the shot.

Truthfully, that's not what I'm here to talk about.

Anticipation and Fear

Hey guys, it's been a (about) a year.

I'm alive. Haven't been feeling much of anything these few month, or better said: year. Probably a lot happened in my life during that time, but none I can really recall now as I don't think I am fond of any of them to keep them in my memories.

I'm writing today with anticipation over my next guest, after Kena and Xoxo's visit. Ah, those were fun. My family seems okay with them coming over too. I am glad Kena and Xoxo came to Malaysia. They were the best thing of last year.

Erase

Some months ago, I felt that void.

The emptiness was killing me, every night wishing it wasn't there - something that wasn't there. Thinking like this, how can you wish for something that wasn't there to fill an empty space. That's filling an empty space with nothing. So my wistful longing was for nothing.